alone.

this week genuinely feels like a fever dream in all the best ways. 🥴

tuesday was demi lovato in phoenix. wednesday was the jonas brothers in vegas. thursday was content day. friday somehow turned into ANOTHER jonas brothers concert because apparently i have no self control once i’m in vegas 😭 but to be fair, i got free drinks and free shirts so i’m choosing to believe it was meant to happen. 🥲

then suddenly it was saturday night & it was just me. alone.

and honestly? that’s when the trip shifted for me.

i realized i’m still not fully comfortable being alone outside of my home. which i think i already knew deep down, but i guess i thought i was “better” at it than i actually am.

not even in a sad way. just in a very real way.

vegas has a funny way of making everything feel louder than it really is. the lights, the people, the alcohol, the confidence, the loneliness. especially the loneliness.

at some point this weekend, it became very obvious to me that i’m still not fully comfortable being alone outside of my home. i think i already knew that somewhere deep down, but i hoped maybe i had outgrown it.

i haven’t. at least not fully.

and honestly? that realization embarrassed me a little at first.

there’s this version of womanhood that feels heavily marketed online. the independent girl. the woman who can travel alone effortlessly, go out alone effortlessly, exist alone effortlessly. untouchable. unbothered. completely free.

i don’t think i’m there yet.

but i also realized something else.

growth isn’t always loud.

because even though part of me wanted to go out saturday night, keep drinking, keep distracting myself, and avoid sitting alone in a hotel room with my own thoughts… i didn’t.

i stayed in.

i streamed. i laughed. i had a good time.

and maybe that sounds small to somebody else, but to me, it mattered.

it meant that somewhere along the way, i started learning the difference between freedom and self-abandonment.

that doesn’t mean i got everything right this weekend. i definitely drank more than i needed to at times. i definitely used stimulation to avoid discomfort at moments. but i also stayed aware enough to recognize my limits before putting myself in situations that didn’t feel safe.

that’s growth too.

now i’m home. my little one is gone for a few weeks, the house is quiet, laundry, toys, & trash is everywhere (bc single mom 😅), my nervous system is still somewhere between vegas and reality, and i’m sitting here catching up on euphoria while slowly putting my life back together one tiny task at a time.

no dramatic breakthrough.

no perfect ending.

no “new me.”

just awareness.

and honestly?

i think awareness changes people more than shame ever will.

just the realization that maybe i’m slowly becoming someone that doesn’t need to constantly run from herself anymore… ❤️‍🩹

i’m not saying i have everything figured out because trust me… i absolutely do not 💀 i still drank too much this weekend. i still use alcohol to loosen up and avoid uncomfortable feelings at times. but i also noticed it. i stayed aware of it. i paid attention to myself instead of completely checking out. and for that, i’m proud of myself. 🤍