remembering her.

i didn’t lose myself.

i just buried her beneath what others needed me to be.

god, when i read that - i feel it in my chest.

i never fully disappeared

i apadted

shifted

gave everything until the only thing left was someone that felt safe for everyone else. someone that wouldn’t rock the boat. someone digestible. predictable. survive-able.

and yet here i am. still here. still me.

but now i am digger her out.

the version of me who trusted the gaze of someone else. someone who believed the attention could be genuine. someone who melted into being wanted and didn’t overthink it. Someone who didn’t carry the weight of childhood trauma like a second skin. someone who didn’t question if her kindness would one day be used as a weapon against her.

i used to be able to just… exist in someone’s arms.

but then that version of me broke.

And just like that, everything shifted.

but then, i found an escape.

a possibility of someone loving a different version of me.

the aching, undone, and raw version.

the future me, i keep imaging her…

the one who’s healed, free, and completely myself.

maybe i’m not chasing anyone.

maybe i’m chasing her.

the version of me i had to bury to survive.

and maybe… little by little… i’ll be ready to meet her again.

bravely. calmly. gently.

Written: June 22nd, 2025