decisions

Have you ever realized that a decision can literally change everything? Pause for a moment and reflect on that. Just one choice, one moment, could take you down a path you never expected. A decision can change e v e r y t h i n g. What does that mean to you? For me, it means choosing the path that will bring me the most happiness, even if it feels daunting. Once that decision is made, there’s no turning back and life unfolds as it was meant to. But have you ever wondered what might have happened if you’d chosen the opposite path, made a different decision, or chose a different reaction? Would life be nearly as good as it is now?

When I was in college, I met three different boys who each impacted the rest of my life in their own way. The first boy made me remember that I was lovable, just as I was. I had so many insecurities when I first met him, and although our relationship was so different than the rest of the relationships I had up until that point, he helped me grow in so many ways. Reminding me that life is all about having fun in the most random ways. Even if that means walking around campus just to see what we’d run into. It was the simple things that made this friendship so real. Like trying to get a bat out of the dorms with a BB gun. You see, even though everyone thought that our relationship was more serious than it ever was, we didn’t care, and we didn’t let that stop us from keeping our friendship intact all these years. Up until this day, I know he would pick up the phone if I called in the middle of the night, just like I did in college.

The second boy, he swept me off my feet from the moment I met him. I remember the first time I saw him. It was college orientation and some of the athletes had to come out and say what they liked about the school and tell them a bit more about themselves. He was the tallest there and I remember just dying to hear his name. His energy was infectious, and I believe that even way back then, I knew he was going to be my future husband. It’s funny though how life can test us and how much we actually trust ourselves, our gut, and ultimately our intuition. This boy and I dated for a short while. Short and sweet, but in that small amount of time, I fell head over heels for this boy. Those first few months were everything, and then they were nothing. Life ended up happening and we split. I remember that break up being the hardest and most heart breaking that I had experienced at that age. I wound up in a very dark place mentally and there were many nights I wasn’t sure if I would be here the next morning; but something always told me to stay. I remember being in my studio apartment late one night, staring up at the ceiling, wondering if any of it even mattered. I briefly considered what I could do to make all the hurt go away… And then I went to my bathroom, looked myself in the eye, and just wondered, why, no how, could I have let him hurt me so bad. Then I broke down crying and I saw a bright light. In the middle of the night, crying on the bathroom floor, I had my eyes squeezed as tight as I could squeeze them, and I could see a bright light around myself and all of sudden I felt this peace and comfort, just for a second, but it helped me remember that there is always a higher power at play. That break up set something off inside of me. School wasn’t going as I had planned, this boy that I thought would be my forever -I had to let go of, and honestly, nothing else in my life made much sense at that point. I made so many decisions during the next few years, decisions that I wasn’t always 100% proud of, but decisions that I always knew would mold me into the woman I am today.

The next few years were honestly a blur. Such. A. Fun. Blur. Some nights I remember as if it were yesterday, and others I long so deeply to picture in my mind and trick myself into thinking that even for just a moment, I’m back in those moments. During that time, I met the third boy. He came out of nowhere. I wasn’t expecting this third boy to ever be a role in my love life, mainly because he and the second boy were such good friends. Some time went by and we started talking. The more we talked, the more I started to like him. I tried to tell myself that he was only there to pass the time, but he ended up being a bigger part of my life than I ever expected him to. Our relationship was so different than the first two, but something about it, called to me. Yet, when the time came to make a decision on which boy I really wanted, I got scared. Boy 3 made me feel free. But boy 2 felt like home.

Boy 2 eventually became my daughter’s father, and that decision, though bittersweet, has been one of the most transformative of my life. It was a choice that, at the time, seemed uncertain, but in hindsight, it was one that shaped me into the woman I am today.

There have been so many mental hurdles I’ve had to overcome since then. It’s funny how time can turn some not so good memories, into memories you’ll never forget and always be grateful for, even some poorly thought-out decisions, along with the ones that were given too much thought, or the ones that were decided on a whim. Each one has taught me how choices and decisions can help us grow in ways never thought possible. No matter the hardship or the decision you’re struggling with today, remember: every choice, every experience, every bump in the road is an opportunity to grow. One day, you'll look back and realize how it all came together to shape you into the person you're meant to be